dylan moran: I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake

(at a wig shop)
Transvestite Store Clerk: Are you going to actually buy something this time, or are you just curious?
Tobias Fünke: Well, let's just say that I'm buy-curious.

(basil keeps on accidentally mentioning germans/war while taking food orders, and the germans get pissed)
German: Will you stop talking about the war!
Basil: Me? You started it!
German: We did not start it.
Basil: Yes you did, you invaded Poland...

(argument that bernard is too reclusive)
Fran: Do you know nothing about modern culture, Bernard? Beckham, Posh, Pokemon...
Bernard: Pacman. It's pronounced Pacman!

(playing scenes from hat, to act out a scene said by drew, buzz means their turn is over)
Drew Carey: Inappropriate anecdotes told on a celebrity talk show.
Wayne Brady: [laughter] ... no, so I left the body in the trunk, and everyone is like, "Ooh, what's that smell"?
[buzz]
Colin Mochrie: ...so, things are tough, I'm a big ho. And...
[buzz]
Robin Williams: ...so I said: "Get off me grandma, I'm done"!
[buzz]
Wayne Brady: ...so, I'm looking through the window, and there's Robin and his grandma, and I'm like...
[buzz]
Ryan Stiles: ...anyway, long story short,
[pointing at his wedding ring]
Ryan Stiles: this is the stone I passed!

Lily: [Lily sees Barney hitting on Claudia] Oh, hell. No!
[grabs Barney by the ear and yanks him away from Claudia]
Lily: Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard until your eyes pop out and then I'll feed them to you like grapes.
Barney: [confused] Wait... my eyes? Or my testicles?
Lily: [pause, thinks about it] One of each!

(next to a man who does not talk due to religious reasons, host tries to lessen the awkwardness at the dinner)
Percy: Oh, the vow of silence?... Tell me about it!

(Daisy answers phone. Mike is Tim's friend)
Daisy: Oh hi Mike. Yeah, he's here, I'll just get him.
[to Tim]
Daisy: It's your boyfriend.
Tim: He's not my boyfriend.
[picks up phone]
Tim: Hi babe.
------
Mike Watt: Hello Timmy.
Tim: Where are you?
Mike: Err, Sheffield.
Tim: What are you doing in Sheffield?
Mike: Fell asleep on the tube.
Tim: The tube doesn't go to Sheffield, Mike.
Mike: Yeah, I know. I um must have changed at King's Cross.
(i liked the quote about the whole with a 'w' quote, but i put it there 2 entries ago. oh well)

(doing some office team building exercise)
Rowan: Gareth, quick trust exercise, ultimate fantasy?
Gareth: Hmm?
David Brent: We're just doing the ultimate fantasy, we're all doing it.
Gareth: Two lesbians probably, sisters. I'm just watching.
Rowan: OK. Erm. Tim? Do you have one?
Tim: I'd never thought I'd say this, but can I hear more from Gareth please?

(tim and daisy arguing that tim is obsessed with wanting to see his ex all the time)
Brian: I see my ex girlfriends. Well, not so much "see" as "watch"...

(giving advice to brother about his agent)
Niles: Stay away from her! She-has-no-reflection!!

(Andy is supposedly wheelchair-bound)
Lou: [looking up into the tree where Andy is sitting] Andy, how did you get up there?
Andy: I fell.

[Larry just found out the show tempo is a lot faster than the rehearsal tempo]
Larry David: Bullshit, that's not the tempo. Get out of here.
Blind Man: I think it is.
Larry David: What?
Blind Man: Pretty much.
Larry David: Well, I don't know any human could dance to that tempo. You'd have to be "Flash" to dance like that.
Blind Man: Who?
Larry David: Oh, forget it. It's a comic book character wearing the red costume. The guy in the red costume!
Blind Man: I don't even know what red is.
Larry David: Hm. It's hard to talk to a blind guy, you have no references.

(Hal and Lois are the parents)
Hal: [Bursts into the boys room] Who wants to make 5 bucks?
Malcolm: How?
Lois: [background] Oh my God!
Malcolm: What did you do?
Hal: Yes or no? No questions asked!
Lois: [background] Oh my GOD!
Malcolm: Make it 10.
Hal: OK. You're a good son.
Lois: [background] OH MY GOD!
Hal: [grabs Malcolm and opens the door] Don't worry honey. I got him!

(daisy hears commotion in neighbours flat before knocking on their door. at the door-)
daisy: huh. teenagers eh.
marsha: shes no teenager. shes the devil in an a-cup!
(girl in the background screams, and we see a thrown shoe hits the side of marshas head. marsha remains unfazed, continues to smoke)

Went back to my coffin @ 11:17 p.m.





Tricked Poisoned